Here comes 2024!

Hello GIRLS CLUB!
I can’t believe it’s already December, and time to reflect on the year we had…

 2023 was a year of growth:

 This year, we added two new Chapters – Southern Vancouver Island and Northern BC. It’s been such a delight to welcome Chapter Leaders Kathy George and Kristen McBurnie, and all the new families who joined us this year.

 We also added two new members to our Board of Directors – Jamie Rivard, as our Director of Fundraising, and Danielle Pietramala as our Director of Engagement. Each Board member is responsible for a distinct part of the governance and operations of GIRLS CLUB, and they meet every couple of months to ensure progress and alignment. In between, each Board member fulfills their portfolio, helping us achieve our goals and fulfil our mission to celebrate and connect girls with neuro-developmental differences.

 We added 203 new families to GIRLS CLUB this year! An incredible number that illustrates how much demand there is for what GIRLS CLUB is doing, how under-serviced our families are, and how critical it is that GIRLS CLUB continues to show up for our members to provide opportunities for friendship and fun.

All this growth was supported by very generous donations from the TELUS Friendly Future Foundation, the CANFOR Good Things Come from Trees Foundation, and the TD Bank Corporate Giving Program… And, of course, by all the individual donations from members, their families, and their friends. Many thanks to all who donated directly, and asked their networks or employers to do the same. These funds keep our events free, fun, and going.

… And a year of fun:

 And we had a great time! We hosted 55 events this year, including:

 Bowling                                      Summer Picnics               Parkour

Gymnastics                                Wildlife Park                     Older Sisters Hangout

Talent Show                              Painting Party                  Outdoor concert

Rock Climbing                           Spa Day                              Science Centre

Cookie Decorating                   Pool Party                          Ice Skating

Dance Party                              Theatre Terrific                Farm Visit

Yoga                                            Swimming Party              Custom T-Shirt Making

Horseback Riding                     Clay Sculpting                   Loco Landing

UBC Treewalk                           Bug Zoo                              Halloween Parties

Fire Hall Visit                             Beach Party                       Ice Cream Social

Bubble Tea Party                            Craft Parties                      Christmas Parties

What GIRLS CLUB is all about:

GIRLS CLUB exists to celebrate and connect girls with neuro-developmental differences; we envision a world where such differences are not a barrier to friendship, connection, happiness and self-worth.

What we believe, what we value, and what we’re striving for are steadfast. We:

• Are awesome just as we are; we can show up and be ourselves

• All participate in different ways, and each way is valued and honoured equally

• Need each other – we need to see others just like us to know that we have a community, and share a sense of one-ness and belonging.

GIRLS CLUB grew from these ideas, and the strong desire that I must do everything possible to reinforce my daughter’s sense of self-identity, self esteem, and self-worth.

This is what I want for your girls as well, and that is the core of GIRLS CLUB: FRIENDSHIP, CONNECTEDNESS, COMMUNITY & CELEBRATION.  It’s what our girls need to thrive and live their best lives. And we carry those values into 2024, as we do every year.

Coming up in 2024…

 I can’t wait to see what 2024 brings! So far, I know that:

•  Our Chapter Leaders are creating their 2024 event calendars – and there will be fantastic events throughout the year

•  We’re on track to exceed over 1000 members in the very early new year – a milestone we’ll happily share when we get there. [There are currently 938 girls in GIRLS CLUB… When you add in all the family members: we are huge!]

•  The Board of Directors and Chapter Leaders will be working to fulfil our strategic plans. From 2024 through to 2026, we are committed to specific goals within each of our three pillars of: CELEBRATION, CONNECTION & COMMUNITY. From finding more reasons to celebrate, to expanding opportunities for connection, to deepening our relationships in the community, we are dedicated to fulfilling our mission.

GIRLS CLUB is about who we are together.

 Running GIRLS CLUB takes a village – there are volunteers who show up to host incredible events, Chapter Leaders who plan and manage their regions, a Board who oversees operations, and sponsors and donors who support it all. I am wildly grateful to every individual who has opened their heart to us and supported our cause. It is both empowering and humbling to see.

 And in the centre, of course, is you, our members – the reason we do what we do. Thank you for forming this beautiful community, and being a part of GIRLS CLUB. I hope 2023 was good to you, and that 2024 is even better.

 All my warmest wishes for a safe and relaxing holiday season,
 Vicky Ryan

Founder and Executive Director
inGIRLS CLUB Association

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Dearest GIRLS CLUB Members,

I am delighted to write this year’s letter, and celebrate the many ways that we grew and connected this year.

2022 was huge for us!

This year, we added another new Chapter to the fold, creating a new home in the South Okanagan, giving our members more choice and more events. A warm welcome and huge thanks to new Chapter Leader, Angela Douglas for starting and leading that Chapter.

We were also able to resume in-person events in the Central/North Okanagan, and the Thompson Valley, finally being able to return to a full pre-pandemic event schedule. Shout out to Rachel, Hoby, and Bree for running some terrific events this year.

 As an Association, we graduated from a registered non-profit to a registered charity, an important distinction for us as an organization in how we operate and fundraise. A huge thanks to the Board of Directors (particularly our Director, Governance) for taking on the CRA’s hefty paperwork and making that happen. It’s a game-changer for us!

 We created our first proper fundraising campaign this year, called “what’s a friend worth?” and exceeded our fundraising targets well beyond our expectations! Many thanks and gratitude to our Director, Communications for spearheading this campaign.

 And, of course, huge thanks and to everyone who donated, shared, and participated. We were thrilled to see how many members donated, and also their family members, friends, and corporate donors too. The funds raised this Giving Season put us in good shape to deliver our events in 2023.

 Of course, the best part of the year was seeing your happy faces at these great events:

 Custom T-shirt Making          Summer Picnic                 Art Gallery

 Talent Show                              Summer BBQ                 Nature/Reptile Adventure

 Cookie Decorating                   Pool Party                          Horseback Riding

 Older Sisters Hangout            Swimming Party              Taekwondo

 UBC Treewalk                           Granville Island               Halloween Parties

 Pizza Party                                 Craft Parties                       Christmas Parties

 What GIRLS CLUB is all about

 GIRLS CLUB exists to celebrate and connect girls with neuro-developmental differences; we envision a world where such differences are not a barrier to friendship, connection, happiness and self-worth.

What we believe, what we value, and what we’re striving for are steadfast. We:

- Are awesome just as we are; we can show up and be ourselves

- All participate in different ways, and each way is valued and honoured equally

- Need each other – we need to see others just like us to know that we have a community, and share a sense of one-ness, same-ness, and belonging.

 GIRLS CLUB grew from these ideas, and the strong desire that I must do everything possible to reinforce my daughter’s sense of self-identity, self esteem, and self-worth.

 As I get to know your girls, that’s what I want for them as well. That is the core of GIRLS CLUB: CONNECTEDNESS, FRIENDSHIP, COMMUNITY & CELEBRATION.  It’s what our girls need to thrive and live their best lives. And we carry those values into 2023, as we do every year.

What’s in store for 2023?

 I am excited for 2023, and confident it will be another wonderful year for our girls:

- Another new Chapter is opening – this time on Vancouver Island! Located in the southern part of the Island, around Victoria, our South Island Chapter will have its first event in February. Stay tuned for more details.

- Our Chapter Leaders are hard at work building their 2023 event calendars – as a sneak peek, I can tell you that I have seen some fun events in the making, so keep an eye on those invitations!

- We are seeking a Director, Fundraising to join our passionate Board of Directors. If you know someone who could fill the role, please get in touch!

GIRLS CLUB would not exist without you.

Many thanks to our sponsors, donors and supporters; your donations of space, time, and funds allow us to do what we do.

Deepest personal thanks to our dedicated volunteers, whether you serve on the Board, at events, or as Chapter Leaders: THANK YOU for being so generous with your time, effort, and energy. You are the backbone of our operations, and make GIRLS CLUB come alive.

Lastly, thank you to our members. Thank you for forming this beautiful community.

I wish us all a safe and healthy 2023!
Warmest wishes, Vicky Ryan
Founder, inGIRLS CLUB Association

Goodbye 2021. Hello 2022

Dearest GIRLS CLUB Members,

Another year has flown by! Alas, it was not the year we hoped for – I so hoped we’d be together in person much, more in 2021… But it was, overall, a more connected year than the previous one, and, for that, I am grateful.

I’m thankful for the in-person events that the Lower Mainland Chapter was able to host, which were:

A “welcome back” picnic in the park, a super funky dance party, a costume-n-candy Halloween party, and a (pretty early!) Christmas party.

And, while I wish our other Chapters had been able to reunite as well, it was a treat to see so many beautiful faces at our Zoom events:

Let’s Play the Drums, Slumber Party, Writing Stories, Working with Bees, Reading Around the World, Favourite Things, Minecraft Party, and our Casual Connect nights, with topics like: Halloween plans, favourite memories, holiday traditions, and too many rogue conversations to count!

What GIRLS CLUB is all about

Whether we’re on Zoom or in-person, the heart of GIRLS CLUB remains the same.
What we believe, what we value, and what we’re striving for are steadfast. We:

·     Are awesome just as we are; we can show up and be ourselves

·     All participate in different ways, and each way is valued + honoured equally

·     Need each other – we need to see others just like us to know that we have a community, and share a sense of one-ness, same-ness, and belonging.

GIRLS CLUB grew from these ideas, and the strong desire that I must do everything possible to reinforce my daughter’s sense of self-identity, self esteem, and self-worth.

As I get to know your girls, that’s what I want for them as well. That is the core of GIRLS CLUB: CONNECTEDNESS, FRIENDSHIP, COMMUNITY & CELEBRATION.  It’s what our girls need to thrive and live their best lives. And we carry those concepts into 2022, as we do every year.

Support us if you can!

Knowing the festive season is a time of giving, we have launched a Giving Campaign on our social media, specifically on our Facebook and Instagram, where we’re asking people who believe in what we do to give back to us.

GIRLS CLUB is 100% volunteer run and reliant on donations. If you believe in our mission or have enjoyed a positive experience with us, please consider donating. It all goes to our girls!

A quick and easy e-transfer to: info@inGIRLSCLUB.com is all it takes 😊

What’s in store for 2022?

As of this writing, it’s difficult to say what 2022 holds for us, but I can confirm the following:

·        Lower Mainland in-person events will continue as long as they are safe, and we can follow the provincial guidelines

 ·        Other regions will re-open once it is safe to do so (we’ll keep you posted)

 ·        We’ll be creating opportunities for you to share your thoughts via a Membership Survey and a Testimonial Drive, so keep an eye out for those. We’d love your feedback!

 ·        We remain committed to staying connected and providing welcoming, inclusive, safe, and fun places for our girls to find each other, form friendships and make memories.

 Until then, many thanks to…

 As always, I want to thank our sponsors and supporters, as well as our dedicated volunteers, whether they serve on the Board, at events, or as Chapter Leaders: THANK YOU for being so generous with your time, effort and energy. GIRLS CLUB would not exist without you.

 And I want to thank you – our members. Thank you for showing up, supporting us, and forming this beautiful community.

 I wish us all a safe, healthy, uneventful 2022, and I hope we can all see a lot more of each other soon.

 All my best,
Vicky Ryan
Founder, GIRLS CLUB

2020: A Year Like No Other

Dearest GIRLS CLUB Members,

As 2020 ends, I want to reflect on the year we’ve had, and what lays ahead.

2020 was an unpredictable and heartbreaking year. The COVID-19 pandemic has been an unprecedented global crisis, impacting the lives, health, and welfare of people everywhere. It separated us from loved ones, pulled our children out of schools, and created ongoing stress for us all.

Through this stress, though, I’ve been struck by the beautiful moments I’ve witnessed and the inspiring people I see.

Our healthcare workers, sanitation workers, transportation workers, grocers, teachers, and a myriad of front-liners have gone above and beyond. Amid tragedy, there has been an incredible outpouring of love, support, and comradery.

To wit, I was moved to tears by a simple “we’re all in this together” chalk drawing on the sidewalk, and a neighbour playing violin in the street to buoy spirits. In the darkest moments, we all tried – as best as we could – to support our fellow humans.

And now, finally, there appears to be a light at the end of the tunnel. As I write this, the first vaccines are being delivered to Canada, and news reports from around the world share stories of those first vaccinated. It feels scary to be hopeful, and I’m caught between relief that it’s almost over and a feeling of don’t get too excited, too soon.

But I’m trying to let hope reign. I miss our girls, and getting together with you all. It seems like forever ago, and it’s hard to believe it was just earlier this year…

Looking back…

Before March 10, we had:
two craft parties, two dance parties, a painting party, a parent social, a movie date, a “GALentine’s” Day party, a gymnastics event, and an “Older Sisters” night.

Then March came along, and we took some time to figure out what has next.
When we pivoted to Zoom, we had some great events, including:
Welcome back, Scavenger hunt with Gabrielle, Sing-along with Brock, Exotic Animal Party with Hands on Exotics, Painting with Ellen, Halloween party, Girls in STEM with Dr. Brianne Barker, and a Cookies-n-Carols Party

While Zoom has allowed us to stay connected, we’ve missed many familiar faces for whom Zoom is just not doable. I look forward to seeing you upon our return to in-person events.

What GIRLS CLUB is all about

Whether we’re on Zoom or in-person, the heart of GIRLS CLUB remains the same. What we believe, what we value, and what we’re striving for are steadfast. We:
·      Are awesome just as we are; we can show up and be ourselves
·      All participate in different ways, and each way is valued + honoured equally
·      Need each other – we need to see others just like us to know that we have a community, and share a sense of one-ness, same-ness, and belonging.

GIRLS CLUB grew from these ideas, and the strong desire that I must do everything possible to reinforce my daughter’s sense of self-identity, self esteem, and self-worth.

As I get to know your girls, that’s what I want for them as well. That is the core of GIRLS CLUB: CONNECTEDNESS, FRIENDSHIP, COMMUNITY & CELEBRATION.  It’s what our girls need to thrive and live their best lives. And we carry those into 2021.

What’s in store for 2021?

We’ll stick with Zoom events for the start of 2021, and will continue with those until it is safe to meet in person again. We’ll keep our eyes-n-ears on the regulations and safety protocols, and keep all of you posted.

For Zoom, we’re looking at a drum party, princess party, yoga, another painting party (the last one was so fun!), a magic show, and other fun get-togethers. Please let me know if you have any ideas that you want us to explore, or any feedback about how we can improve GIRLS CLUB.

And, when/if we can connect again in person, we’ll create a new calendar of events, and share it with the whole club.

Until then, many, many thanks to…

As always, I want to thank our generous sponsors: AutismBC, NONA, Social Butterflies, and the Pacific Autism Family Network for their tremendous support.

I also want to thank our wonderful volunteers, guests, and Chapter Leaders – Bree, Heather, Rachel + Hoby. Thank you for your unwavering dedication.

Most of all, I thank YOU, our members. Without you, none of this matters… Thank you for helping to create a strong and loving community in which we share our lives.

As 2020 ends, I wish you all health and peace-of-mind. I hope that any of you who have felt or are feeling the burdens of the stress of this year are able to reach out for support – from family, friends, charitable organizations, the government, and, of course, our GIRLS CLUB community. There is no shame in reaching out – there is only light to be found when we emerge from the dark, so please connect… and please look after yourselves and each other.

All my best,
Vicky Ryan
Founder, GIRLS CLUB

2019: Triumphs & Highlights

Dearest GIRLS CLUB Members,

As I flip through our photos from the last year, I’m struck by several thoughts:
- We’ve shared some really great times!
- Wow, there are a lot of us now!
- We are all – to quote Zoolander – really, really, really, ridiculously good looking  

This year, we welcomed close to 200 new families, and are now almost 500 members across the province. I see this growth as a huge compliment to GIRLS CLUB and all that we provide our members.  

This year we also:
- Launched a new chapter, our Thompson Valley Chapter in Kamloops
- Welcomed a dozen new volunteers
- Were short-listed for an Excellence in Community Impact award
- Accepted a generous donation of $5,000 from Shoppers Drug Mart (via their “LOVE YOU – Growing Women’s Health” program)
- Held over 50 events, including:

Potluck parties, Pool party, Goat yoga, Playland visit, Movie parties, Picnics in the park, Sensory toolbox-building, Halloween parties, Hawaiian luau and so much more (see our events list for all the awesome details!)

If you’re new to GIRLS CLUB this year, you may not know how and why we got started. In late 2016 I was reading the book What Every Autistic Daughter Wishes Her Parents Knew. I learned so much, especially:

  - We are awesome just as we are
- We need a place we can be ourselves
- We need each other – we need to see other girls just like us to know that we have a community, and share a sense of one-ness, same-ness, and belonging.

GIRLS CLUB grew from these ideas, and the strong desire that I must do everything possible to strengthen and cement my daughter’s sense of self, her self esteem, and self-worth. 

As I get to know your girls, that’s what I want for them as well. That is the core of GIRLS CLUB: CONNECTEDNESS, FRIENDSHIP & COMMUNITY. It’s what our GIRLS need to thrive and live their best lives. And so we carry on to 2020 with that in our hearts and minds!

What’s in store for 2020?

For 2020, we’ll have more of what you already know and love – more activities, more parties, more connection and fun. As always, I encourage you to check our calendar to see what’s coming up in your region.

We’ll also be doing more fundraising to ensure we can continue to provide the amazing experience to your girls that you’ve come to love. To help us, you can:

- Spread the word to your family and friends! Everyone loves to give to a good cause – especially when it’s personal to you and them

- Follow + share us on Facebook & Instagram – it helps build awareness about us

- Introduce us to possible sponsors or donors – perhaps your employer or customer has a Corporate Social Responsibility, “give back” or donations program? Find out!

Many, many thanks to…

As always, I want to acknowledge and thank our incredible sponsors: AutismBC, NONA, Social Butterflies, and the Pacific Autism Family Network for their tremendous support.

I also want to thank our wonderful volunteers, guests, and Chapter Leaders – Bree, Heather, Jaandi, Rachel and Hoby. Thank you for your time, energy and dedication.

Most of all, I want to thank YOU, our fabulous members. Without you, none of this matters… THANK YOU for sharing your lives with us.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, something else, or not at all – I wish you the very best and brightest as we close 2019. It’s been a privilege sharing time with you this year, and I look forward to many more opportunities in 2020. 

All my best,
Vicky Ryan
Founder, GIRLS CLUB

2018: Triumphs & Highlights

Dearest GIRLS CLUB Members,

What an incredible 2018 we’ve had!

We’ve doubled in size from 147 members at the close of last year to >300 members this year. We’ve grown across the province as well, with two new chapters – one in Northern BC (Prince George), and one in the North Peace region (Fort St John).

We’ve launched our logo, been interviewed by CBC radio, hosted over 30 events, held our first auction, celebrated our first birthday, and so much more.

If you joined GIRLS CLUB this year, you may not know how we got started and why we exist. In late 2016 I was reading the book What Every Autistic Daughter Wishes Her Parents Knew. I learned so much, especially:

•  We are awesome just as we are

• We need a place we can be ourselves

• We need each other – we need to see other girls just like us to know that we have a community, and share a sense of one-ness, same-ness, and belonging

GIRLS CLUB grew from these ideas, and the strong desire that I must do everything possible to strengthen and cement my daughter’s sense of self, her self esteem, and self-worth. As I get to know your girls, that’s what I want for them as well. That is the core of GIRLS CLUB: CONNECTEDNESS, FRIENDSHIP & COMMUNITY. It’s what our GIRLS need to thrive and live their best lives.

 Some new things we tried this year:

•  “Older Sister” Socials: events just for our older girls. Based on the feedback – as well as the friendships that blossomed – we’ll be having more of these in 2019.

• Facebook connections: parents reaching out to each other on our private Facebook group to make connections for their girls. I love this: keep going, parents!

• Our membership survey: thanks again to all participants; your feedback shaped most of our changes, including a change of days/times in the Okanagan, and the “Older Sister” Socials I just mentioned. Keep that feedback coming!

•  We created a GC Quarterly Newsletter, which you’ve seen two editions of already. The next one is due soon and will have a NEW look that aligns with our logo.

•  A range of new events, including…

• Our birthday party,  Birdhouse making, Lantern making, Carnival celebration, Art gallery trips, Trick or treating, Painting, Basketball & soccer, Sculpture-making, Designing t-shirts, Taekwondo, Sexual health night, Rhythmic gymnastics, Talent show, Princess tea party, Bubble party…

 As well as some much-demanded repeats:

• Potluck parties, Pool party, Santa visits, Playland visit, Movie parties, Picnics in the park, Mayday Choir performance, Halloween parties…

And 2019 is the year of more!

For the CLUB at large, my focus in 2019 will be on securing our own charitable status and fundraising the necessary dollars to keep our GIRLS connecting.

Up to now, we’ve survived on grants, donations & fundraisers like gift baskets, 50/50 tickets, and auctions. We will continue rely on these while we seek further funds.

 In addition, I will be launching a FUNDRAISING CAMPAIGN on Facebook starting next week, and it would be INCREDIBLY HELPFUL if you watch, comment on, and share these videos. The more we get the word out about GIRLS CLUB, the more money we can raise for our Club, and the more events and opportunities we can provide our GIRLS.

 At a chapter level, we’ll be hosting more events each month, including: dancing, t-shirt making, parent night, crafting, princess tea party, yoga, acting class, sign-making, cheerleading, spa day, talent show, and more … We’d love to see you at these, so please see our calendar for events in your region.

 Thank you!

As we wrap up an incredible year, I want to THANK our sponsors: AutismBC, Goodwill Fitness Family Autism Hub, NONA, Pacific Autism Family Network, and TELUS.

I also want to THANK the fantastic volunteers, guests, and Chapter Leaders – Bree, Heather and Jaandi. Thank you for your time, energy and dedication.

Most of all, I want to thank YOU, our fabulous members. Without you, none of this matters… THANK YOU for sharing your time and your lives with us.

 Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, something else, or not at all – I wish you the very best and brightest as we close 2018. It has been a privilege sharing time with you this year, and I look forward to many more good times in 2019. 

Health & Happiness to You & Yours,
Vicky Ryan
Founder, GIRLS CLUB

Merry Christmas from GIRLS CLUB!
Check out our awesome party!

* PHOTOS LIE *

FB showed me this memory today. My first thought was: “wow, I wish I hadn’t gained 15lbs and that dress still fit.” … My second thought was how much photos LIE. In this picture, my hubby and I look like a handsome, happy couple enjoying a wonderful evening.

But when I look at this photo I remember how awful things were in our lives at that time. This was 4 years ago today. Our lives were caving in. Our daughter was experiencing a terrifying medical condition where she inexplicably regressed in fine motor, gross motor and language skills. She went from a chatty almost 3-year-old to a toddler who could not longer say the word “raisin” properly. Things were unravelling fast… We were devastated and terrified and staring into an abyss so dark that I can’t describe it.

We’d been in the weeds for weeks here, in-and-out of Children’s Hospital. Genetic tests, metabolic tests, MRIs, EEGs, bloodwork, and more. We were awaiting results that were being sent to a lab in Germany. Our pediatric neurologist said to us: “there is nothing more medically that I can do for you.”

We’d been house- or hospital bound for weeks at this point. Our friends tentatively invited us to their birthday party. It was her 40th.

We wanted to go, but I also didn’t want to see anyone. I couldn’t talk about what was happening to us. I didn’t have the words. I didn’t have the ability to talk about it without cracking open like a raw egg. But I couldn’t talk about anything else either. It was TOO PAINFUL to talk about what mattered, but TOO TRIVIAL to talk about anything else. We were not great company.

We went to the party.

I don’t even know why. Maybe just to feel normal for a bit?

Our friends know us well and know that – when life is falling apart for me – I don’t reach out. I say please leave me alone right now, I can’t talk. I don’t want to engage or ask for help. I want to cocoon. I want to turtle. I completely withdraw.

So at this party, I mostly sat and listened to my friends make pleasant small talk, and I smiled along and sipped my martini. I got longer-than-usual hugs, and no one asked what was up when we left quite early.

What this photo did for me today is help me reflect on a few things:

Support doesn’t have to be LET’S TALK ABOUT IT. It can be: you’re not ready to talk about it, so let’s sit here in silence or whatever you need.

Different people need such different things. When life falls to shit, I withdraw completely. I need to lick my wounds in private, and then emerge when the time is right for me. My husband is the opposite. He wants to talk. He needs verbal support, a shoulder.

Funnily enough, gender-based friendships flip this. I knew that any of my girlfriends would be a shoulder to cry on if I wanted one… But I didn’t. But in male friendship, Dan’s friends assumed he didn’t want to talk about it, and most didn’t even ask how he was doing. He was dying to talk about it, but didn’t have the same kinds of outlets that I did.

With the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I’ve been seeing a lot of “why didn’t they reach out” messages. I even said to my husband something along the lines of: if people with seemingly infinite resources can’t hit the pause button on work and life to reach out and get help, what hope is there for people without such means?

But maybe they’re like me. Maybe they turtle when things are going to shit. Maybe they firmly DID NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I don’t know either personally, so I can’t say.

But this is not a post about suicide. I am no expert in that arena… It just breaks my heart that it happens at all.

What I am a bit of an ‘expert’ in is APPEARANCES.

Like the photo above that LIES in the happy story it is giving off, I am no stranger to happy appearances when all is falling apart.

After all, we went to the party. We look nice. We probably looked like we were managing okay – all things considered.

We were not.

It was at least another two years after this photo before I sought help to deal with the pain and the trauma and the PTSD I had experienced as a result of our daughter’s medical issues. Therapy (specifically EFT – emotional freedom technique –  if you’re interested) helped me heal and get through a quagmire of emotions and fears and anxieties. I didn’t even realize how much I was drowning until I was able to surface and breathe for awhile.

Yet, while I was drowning I was still working as a consultant, and building our house, and being a mom, and a wife and a friend. I was “doing it all.”

I’m having a friend over for dinner tonight. I sent her the menu this morning to make sure it worked for her, and she wrote back “amazing! I don’t know how you do all that you do”… And I cheekily wrote back “MAGIC.”

And the truth is – I DO do a lot.  I work, and I am very good at my job. I founded GIRLS CLUB and it is thriving. I have a wonderful marriage, and lovely daughter, and amazing friends. I’m a good cook, and a good mom, and I run a household in a home that I designed inside and out. I AM VERY CAPABLE… and I am really PROUD of how capable I am.

And I am ALSO a person who experiences the occasional panic attack. Mine now come in my sleep. Some nights, about 20 minutes after I fall asleep, I come gasping up for air and scare the hell out of both Dan and me. My heart is pounding, and I feel unable to breathe for about a minute. Then it passes.

I hate them, of course, but they are better than the panic attacks I used to have before therapy. Those were less sharp, duller, and would last for 2 - 3 days with a dull ache in my chest that made it hard to breathe. With only two exceptions, I went to work, did the mom / school thing and went about my days with the APPERANCE of everything being fine.

Can it be true that one person can be both UBER CAPABLE and ALSO suffer from panic attacks, insecurities, and petty worries?

YES. I can tell you that is true because I am that one person.

I am very capable, and my life is mostly shiny + great, and it is ALSO true that my life has shitty parts and challenges, and I often doubt whether I’m doing everything WELL ENOUGH… Especially motherhood.

I’m sure social media makes it all worse because there are glamourous selfies to be shared and “congrats on your promotion” stories to mention, but I’m also sure that APPEARANCES are nothing new.

No one likes to expose their underbelly; everyone likes to be admired or even envied… to look like they “have it all” (even if that is impossible).

I am guilty of this. I definitely want people to see me and think:

Wow, Vicky is so capable and shiny and happy and pretty

Not: poor Vicky; she used to be such things, but now she is just a mess:
dropping the ball, and haggard and fat… It’s so sad

Why I care about what people think, I couldn’t say. Sometimes I don’t, I really don’t. But I often do. It’s maybe 50/50 at this point.

I’m hoping to get to a point in my life where APPEARANCES are nothing – not my physical appearance: there is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice… I mean the kind of FALSE APPEARANCES that project a shiny, happy, all-is-well BS story like the picture above.

Until I can evolve to that point I’ll leave it at this:

This photo shows a handsome, happy couple.

And – yes – we are happy: our life is blessed 1000x over

It also shows a moment in time.
A really, really shitty moment in time when I didn’t think I could cope with the pain…

Both are true.

*Embracing the word “DISABLED”*

I never realized that I had any reaction to the words “disability” and “disabled” until they hit so close to home.

I worked for the Olympic and Paralympic Games in 2010 (VANOC), and I considered myself an informed and enlightened person. I had attended accessibility awareness training, and I’ve even delivered it, too.

Funny how a topic can be easier to wade into and accept when it is “other” to you.

I remember one of the accessibility experts at VANOC referring to mobility as something that is temporary for everyone. Meaning, of course, that the aging process strips away our mobility over time. For many, this happens slowly, and is just taken for granted as the ‘aging process.’

For others, mobility may be impacted by an accident or an injury… It comes at an unexpected time and in an unexpected way.

I reflected on her words every time I pulled a muscle or rolled an ankle. Once I broke two toes, and became suddenly VERY aware of how the world caters to the able-bodied. I was struck many times at the inequity of that… and, then, as bones and muscles healed, I was able to put that awareness on the backburner… Not totally GONE, of course, but not ever-present. I would silently ‘tisk’ when I would see a situation that I realized was inaccessible. I might even point it out to the “authorities,” like telling event staff that the elevator was out of order, or insisting that a something be moved to be better reaching distance.

I probably felt pretty proud of myself in these moments. Look at me, I am a Helper. I am an Ally. Yay me.

And then disability came into my life, and it suddenly felt too close to home. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want any part of it.

Why?

I didn’t even ask myself why for a long time. I wasn’t even in a place where I could ask myself that question. Like: why didn’t I want the association? What was the trigger? Was I ashamed?

At first, I just told myself that “disabled” didn’t feel like the right word. My daughter wasn’t “disabled” – she was just unique. Yes, she had challenges, but I wouldn’t say “disabled”…

Since I never liked “differently-abled” (it felt like an awkward mouthful straining to be politically correct), I just kind of coasted along, not referring to my daughter’s disability at all. We couldn’t ignore it, but we didn’t NAME it or LABEL it either. We just talked over and around it. “She will need some extra help / time / assistance with xyz…”

I can’t remember WHEN I started to use the words “disabled” and “disability” to refer to my daughter and our life…. But I *can* remember WHY.

First, I started to read more about what actually autistic (#actuallyautistic) people had to say about being autistic. From there, I’d find comments from and links to other autistic writers, and then disabled writers (sometimes autistic, sometimes not). And here is what I realized:

Many disabled people are not afraid to call themselves disabled. And, I realized – rather belatedly – nor should they be.

If you are reluctant to use the word (as I was), you need to ask yourself WHY.

So I asked myself WHY. I didn’t like my answer.

I wanted to say it was because I didn’t want to pigeonhole my daughter. That it was because I didn’t want people to see her limitations and challenges, but to see what she CAN do… And – honestly and ultimately – that is very true. But what is ALSO true, is that I was ablelist AF.

I was afraid of those words. I was afraid that those words would make her FEEL less or BE less. I was afraid that it would change the way that people look at her, and look at me.

I didn’t want pity.

I didn’t want to feel labelled with something that didn’t feel fabulous.

I shunned the label and all that came with it.

WHY? Because society (and I am a part of that) stigmatizes disability. It doesn’t embrace it. It doesn’t celebrate it. It pities it. It “others” it. At the best times, it uses it for “inspiration porn” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inspiration_porn)

I didn’t want ANY part of that.

Until, I did. Until I realized: F that – I’m flipping the script on this.

Now, I am not a trailblazer. I am not the first, and it was not my idea. I am merely following what disability self-advocates are already doing. I am trying to learn from their example, and jump on board.

So, I am claiming the words “disabled” and “disability” for my daughter and my family. I want to raise her to feel PROUD of who she is: strong and amazing, and – yes – disabled too, so what?

SO WHAT?

Why have we demonized a word?

I refuse to buy into that any more. There is nothing wrong with being disabled. There is nothing wrong with having a disability. I will not take on any shame or feel awkward or weird about it.

My daughter is amazing: beautiful, smart, silly, sassy, fun, loving, wonderful, autistic, disabled, fantastic, musical, lyrical, strong, hardworking, and more.

Her disability is part of her: a huge part. Some may say “she is just her, not her disability”, but she cannot extricate herself from her disability. It is not something she can choose to have / not have, not something she can hide / not hide.

(Don’t get me started on the emotional costs of hiding disability, autism, mental illnesses, invisible illnesses, etc., because this post is hella long enough already, and I will save that for another day.)

And, so, we EMBRACE it. We “kiss the ground that others have cursed” to steal a line from another. And, there was so much RELIEF and LETTING GO, and STRENGTH from going there, from embracing the words “disability” and “disabled”… It was like a power switch. It happened when we switched from the highly euphemized “on the spectrum” to “is autistic” as well… but, that’s another post for another day 😊

So, this post was much longer that I expected… I’m searching for a profound way to sum this all up: to DROP THE MIC with a truth bomb so rad it blows your hair back, but I’m coming up a little short. Instead, I’ll just say: THANK YOU, thank you for reading and being a part of our journey.

I was reading the book What Every Autistic Daughter Wishes Her Parents Knew, and many of the chapters echoed the same central ideas:

 - We are awesome just as we are
 - We need a place we can be ourselves
 - We need each other – we need to see other girls just like us to know that we have a community, and share a sense of one-ness, same-ness, and belonging

GIRLS CLUB grew from these ideas, and the strong desire that I must do everything possible to strengthen and cement my daughter’s sense of self, her self esteem, and self-worth. That is at the core of what GIRLS CLUB is all about.

Our year, in review:

 - We kicked off GIRLS CLUB with a well-attended and surprisingly rowdy pizza / karaoke party in April. It was beyond my wildest imagination!

I said to my friend, fellow GIRLS CLUB mom, and one of the pioneers who helped get GIRLS CLUB launched (Abbe Gates): We’ll be successful if we have 12 girls attend.   We had over 90 people at our first event. No turning back now!

In the Lower Mainland, we followed the pizza/karaoke party with:

April – picnic at Queen Eliz Park  | May – yoga night |  May – Playland field trip   | June – cookie decorating party |  June – Maplewood Farm field trip   | July – Canada Day picnic   |  Aug – pool party field trip   |   Sept – friendship bracelet craft night  |    Sept – rock climbing field trip  | Oct – pajama / movie “sleep over”  |     Oct – pumpkin patch field trip  |     Nov – Mayday choir & books night  |   Nov – Santa / Christmas party  |   Dec – parents’ connect night

And, in the Okanagan, we got together for:

Aug – launch party  |   Sept – potluck picnic |  Oct – Halloween party | Nov – cookie decorating party | Dec – holiday party

Along the way, we also:
 - Got our website up and running: www.inGIRLSCLUB.com
 - Recorded a podcast: http://autism30.com/ingirlsclub.html
 - Created our private Facebook group:
       www.facebook.com/groups/1859101844363106/  
 - Launched an Okanagan Chapter, led by the amazing Bree Cawley
 - Raised almost $12,000 in private and public donations:
      - $2,725.00 from GC parents, families, friends, & friends-of-the-families
      - $9,000.00 in a grant from TELUS
 - Ended the year with 147 GIRLS CLUB members, ages 19 mo to 31 yrs

And, in a most spectacular year – hands down – the absolute highlight was getting to know your GIRLS, you, and your families.

And, next year, we grow -- we are not slowing down in 2018!

   - Bree and I have a leadership meeting in the early new year to strategize our growth plans and goals for GIRLS CLUB, and how best to stretch those TELUS funds

  - We’ll be sending out a membership survey to assess what we can be doing better to connect, support, and provide fun-filled opportunities for our GIRLS

  - We’ve been working on a GIRLS CLUB logo to be released in the new year. The initial illustrations were so delightful, I squealed! We cannot wait to unveil it publicly

  - We’ll be connecting over princess tea parties, a Talent Showcase, a birthday party to celebrate GIRLS CLUB’s first birthday, and many more events.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, something else, or not at all – I wish you the very best and brightest as we close 2017.

I know that the best part of 2018 will echo the best parts of 2017 – connecting with you and your GIRLS. Thank you, humbly, for such an incredible, life-changing year. It’s been a privilege getting to know you all.

I wish you good health, happiness, and prosperity for 2018,
Vicky

Vicky Ryan
Founder, GIRLS CLUB | info@inGIRLSCLUB.com